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Adoption isn’t for me; it’s for my baby

By Lindsey
Covenant Care Birthmother

In this letter, Lindsey is writing to her two-week old son whom she has just placed for adoption. This letter is a wonderful insight into a birthmother’s perspective on adoption, and is a reminder what a beautiful and loving thing adoption can be. We are thankful that Lindsey and the adoptive family agreed to let us share this with you. The letter has been edited for space and names have been changed.

Tripp,

As I’m writing this you are only two weeks old. Your mother and father just met you a few days ago. There was a video from the adoption agency from when they met you. Your mother cried the most beautiful tears of joy I have ever seen in my life. I was so happy for them. I could feel my heart melting.

I knew they were the ones the moment I met them. Your mother had this look of excitement, nervousness and happiness in her eyes. She was beautiful. Your father was tall and sat by her side looking tense. I thought I was the nervous one but clearly they were much more nervous than me. My mother sat next to me as I struggled to ask them questions about who they were and how they would plan to raise you.

Before I even spoke to them I felt in my heart that they were the ones that God had sent to me. At the moment I knew so little about Trish but I knew she would be an excellent mother. The room we were in was hot and it wasn’t just me. I wanted them to like me even though the meeting was about me liking them. After about four or so hours of conversation I was relieved. After four months, four stressful months of me not knowing who would raise my baby boy, I knew Nate and Trish were God’s gift to me. I knew that this was God’s plan for me.

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was already six months. When I found out I was scared, terrified. I was a high school senior in my last semester. I had no job, no car, I haven’t even applied to college yet and most importantly my ex-boyfriend, your birthfather, and I had broken up right around the time I got pregnant. I knew that adoption would be the only option for us.

Although my mother was there to support me every step of the way, I felt very alone for a while. I felt like God was trying to punish me. I felt like I was just about to start a normal life when I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t scared for me. I didn’t care at all about myself, I was cared for you. I didn’t want to let you down. I was scared that if I went through with adoption they wouldn’t be the right people. I was nervous that when you found out about me that you would hate me.

All I wanted was for you to have what I didn’t growing up. My mother was a single mom of two children by the time she was 20 years old. She struggled so much until she met my stepfather. I didn’t want to raise you struggling. I wanted you to get toys on Christmas and birthdays. I wanted you to have a father that would be there at your sports games and I wanted you to be able to have anything your heart desired. I knew I couldn’t give that to you.

Instead of attempting to raise you and seeming like I failed, instead of you having the same childhood I had struggling and without a father, I knew that the only way to give you the perfect life was to find you the perfect parents. I know that nothing can truly be perfect but I was going to do everything in my power to make sure your life was as close to perfect as possible.

I knew deep down that you were born for a couple like Nate and Trish. I knew you weren’t for me, I knew that God knew that I would choose adoption because in reality at this very moment I can barely take care of myself and I couldn’t bear failing you. You need to know that I love you, every day I tried to think about how life might be just you and me but it’s like God made my mind blank. It was a reminder that adoption was his plan for me. After meeting your parents I felt at peace. I was so happy for them I cried. I was glad that I found you parents that could do what I couldn’t.

Being a pregnant high school girl everyone was fascinated with me, like I was some kind of rare animal at the zoo. There were plenty of other pregnant girls at my school but of course none of them was making the decision that I was. At first people were shocked at my choice but once I explained my story and how I know so many girls who are younger than I was raising a baby on their own, they slowly started to understand where I was coming from.

Everyday I would have girls come up to me and ask me how I could do what I was doing and I simply replied, ‘It’s not for me, it’s for him.” Because once you become pregnant life is no longer about you. It’s about the baby inside of you. I got so much praise about how strong I was from family, teachers, and my adoption caseworker, but truthfully I didn’t feel that anything like that needed to be said, because what I was doing was for you. As a mother you do everything and anything for your child and you don’t see strangers on the on the street praise a mother for doing something for her child.

I wasn’t due to have you for several more weeks, but about three days after meeting Nate and Trish I gave birth to you. It was like you were just waiting for me to meet them and you were ready!

I’m not sure how old you are as you’re reading this, but I’m sure Nate and Trish know when it will be time. I hope that one day you could accept me into your life. I would never try to replace your mother, but just knowing that you’re okay would be good enough for me if you didn’t want to see me. I hope Nate and Trish raise you to know that I love you with every cell in my body. I know they are good people so I know that they have done a good job raising you.

I’m not sure where I will be in the next five or ten or even fifteen years but I will always love you, Tripp. You have made me a stronger person. You have allowed me to look at life in a different perspective. God gave me the chance to change a couple’s life for the better. I answered a prayer by making Nate and Trish your parents. My only wish after you read this isn’t for you to go right ahead and contact me. No, I don’t want you to do that until you and your parents know you’re ready. My wish is for you to know that I love you, and there will never be a day that I don’t think about you.

Lindsey

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